no eye contact

Biggy has been away for what seems like bloody ages; he had a weekend with the boys and I got him back for about 15 hours before he was away for work for the week. I was okay with it, I had lots of plans to get the house in order – I did, it didn’t last, I was going to get lots of paperwork done, I made a good start, but that didn’t last, I was going to read lots, I have not read a single thing, but as I mentioned before I have made a tremendous effort of getting through The Big Bang Theory, those intelligent nerds do make me smile, and I was going to have lots of early nights, I managed to get to bed before 11 once! and of bloody course I have not slept well – although I have been able to stay in my own bed, just me and Netflix, and no tears, hmmm maybe it hasn’t been that bad.

Anyway Biggy I have missed you and please come home, mostly because I am so lonely, I have barely spoken to any adults. And it really isn’t helping my social awkwardness. I have 2 types of behaviour around people I don’t really know, either stare at the floor and fidget or a huge uncomfortable grin, or I just mix them together and at the same time I am thinking ‘pleeease talk to me’ but then again ‘just leave me alone…’ it is all very uncomfortable, for me and for them.

I got a bit sad in the school playground this week watching everyone in their groups, thinking why aren’t I part of one, I have quite a few mums that say hello, and I say hello back, then off they go to their friends greeting each other loudly, telling hilarious stories or gossiping about the other parents, who knows, I just guess. It was just like this when First Born was at school, but then I was just in my 20s and had youth as an excuse, nearly 2 decades later I am just pathetic.

The other day another mum at nursery said she loved Golden Boys name, I was so stunned that someone had spoken to me their was an overly long pause as my brain tried to work out what to reply, and I very wittily said “yes I like it too”. Ugh. She smiled and left. I helped another mum carry a slide up the road to the nursery – I saw her struggling and everyone else kept walking past, so brave me rushed up to help – and we made small talk till we got there, which was quite difficult for me as it was bloody heavy and I am such a wimp, my arm shook for ages afterwards… anyway, she said thanks and went off to talk to her other mum friends, I have seen her a couple more times since, just a nod and a hello for me.

Oh well this is the life for me, I am socially awkward, I will always be the person with the uncomfortable body language, trying hard to look friendly but having little to say; I have been compared to Adrian from Rocky on a few occasions, I just assumed it was because she was a mousy plain jane, but now I think I get it.

socially awkward